By Pamela D. Brown, PhD, CSP, LPC
When we find ourselves in conflict with someone we are close to, the disagreement or slight that we feel is often due to how we have interpreted the situation, more specifically what the other person has said or done. It is when we personalize someone else’s actions that we feel offended and feel the need to have a conversation with them, get angry, retaliate or take whatever other action seems to us completely justified and warranted.
Through our own life experiences, we bring certain beliefs to situations. We began accumulating these beliefs when we were young children at a time when our parents taught us how to interpret and deal with a particular situation. Sometimes we learned by watching how they handled a similar situation and other times they told us how they would or we should handle a given situation. These early teachings formed the basis of our beliefs about what is right and wrong and how to respond when the latter occurs. Our response is also determined by our temperament or personality. Some of us develop an ability to ignore situations and not even really let them bother us. Others are taught to hold onto things and attack anyone who crosses them because if they don’t they will be labeled a chump or perceived to be weak and a doormat. Unless someone is threatening to take away your money, job or partner, many situations are just a matter of perspective. Because of the fact thatnot everyone’s personality is the same, what rubs one person the wrong way does not necessarily rub another person the wrong way.
There are at least two factors that are more immediately under our control that determine how we will respond in any given situation. First, how we see the situation and second, the meaning we give to the situation. The problem is that most situations are like an elephant and the people involved are like ants. What creates the conflict and disagreement is that the ants are each looking at the elephant from different ends, one is at the trunk and the other is at the tail. They both are looking at the elephant, but given their size and the difficulty of moving quickly to the other person’s position near the elephant, see hugely different things and therefore come to different conclusions, believing very different actions are warranted. And if the two people don’t realize that they are ants looking at different ends of the elephant, the disagreement about what they each see may never get resolved.
Because we all have slightly different life experiences, different temperaments and are not usually looking at the elephant from the same spot, we see different things, interpret what we see differently and have learned different ways of handling even the same situation. So, when you are feeling slighted in your relationship, consider where your partner is in relationship to the elephant. Consider what their early learning was with respect to whatever issue is bothering you. Think of what would have led you to act similarly and reflect on what could have possibly led your partner to feel this way. Do this even if it doesn’t necessarily make sense to you. And if you still think you need to and want to bring up the issue, here are some helpful suggestions.
- Find a good time for both of you to have this conversation. You need to know when you are in a good mood as well as your partner. And if they tell you that it is a good time, but you don’t believe it really is, trust yourself and wait. You want this conversation to go well and timing is everything. Don’t have the conversation in public or when you are going to be interrupted. You don’t want to embarrass your partner and you want to make sure you have enough time to make your point.
- Think of a positive or gentle beginning to the conversation with a specific but short statement of the problem and an offering of a possible solution is a good recipe to start with. No one who is close to you wants to be a disappointment to you. None of us wants to be wrong. So, presume good intentions. As much as possible stick to behaviors that are not debatable, rather than tell them what their intentions were. When you say that your partner intentionally disrespected you, s/he may disagree and then not listen to the rest of your argument. For example, if you are complaining about your partner staying out late, one ant may see staying out as disrespectful and the other ant sees it as independence.
- Use an “I feel” statement. I feel “X” when you “Y.” I feel disrespected when you stay out late and don’t call me. Don’t tell your partner that they make you feel a certain way. We all choose how we feel in certain situations.
- Think about the tone of your message. How can you state the problem so that it will be listened to and given real consideration? Soften the tone and say, “I feel that you don’t care about me when you stay out late.” Doesn’t that feel better than telling your partner s/he has disrespected you?
- Don’t use extreme language like always or never. It makes your argument easier to dismiss. There is always an exception to the always or never statement. Plus, most of us don’t like being told that we always or never do something, especially when it is a criticism.
- Also, don’t swear or bring up how your friends or family agree with your position. This type of positioning tends to make others feel defensive and when someone feels defensive they typically withdraw (and don’t want to listen further to what you have to say) or they attack, which also means that they are no longer receptive to whatever point you were trying to make.
- Since most of us want to please those with whom we are close, let your partner know what they could do differently the next time a similar situation arises. Could you call or text me if you are going to be out past “X” time? Think about a reasonable improvement. You are unlikely to get a 180 degree turn-around. We don’t even change that much for ourselves, much less another person.
- Check for understanding. If you are on the receiving end of a message, try to paraphrase what your partner is saying without repeating their statement verbatim. Basically, you want to make sure that you understand what they are saying. Sometimes, misunderstanding can be the biggest source of a conflict or feeling hurt. One unintentional act on the part of one partner can lead the other person to feel taken for granted, or disrespected. And if you are on the delivering end, do the same. Ask your partner why s/he thinks you’re upset.
- Players need to let their partners know when and how during the season their partners can bring up issues. You are going to have issues of disagreement and resolving them sooner rather than later will avoid building resentment.
- Apologize and if you truly mean it, ask your partner to help you with a solution that you will be able to stick to. Most habits are hard to change and we need reminding. The minister gives the sermon on forgiveness over and over again not because he has new parishioners, but because they forget the message and need to be reminded. Most of us need help staying on the straight and narrow path. Tell your partner how to remind you if you are straying from the solution. Your partner is your relationship coach and you will both be more successful if you and your coach know the style that will be most supportive and effective for you.
And finally, if these tips are not helping enough, speak to a professional like a counselor or psychologist who has expertise in helping individuals and couples negotiate difficult conversations. You go to the conditioning coach to get your body in the best form. Do the same with your relationship.