By Rachel Terrill, Player Engagement Insider
The NFL can be an overwhelming adventure for any player. Trying to navigate new love in the midst of a demanding NFL career can feel nearly impossible. To make things easier this Playbook for Finding Love breaks down the process into five easy steps.
What is Love?
As children, we’re taught that love can happen in a moment and, if it is really true love, then we will live happily ever after. But true love takes more than just a mutual right swipe on Tinder.
Despite what you learned about love from fairy tales and Disney movies, helpless princesses are not waiting in the woods to be rescued by a true love’s kiss. And being kissed by the right princess will not make any frog’s warts disappear. In fact, kissing frogs can be particularly dangerous because when you kiss frogs you date frogs...and when you date frogs, you ultimately marry a frog. Then you have to divorce a frog or live with their ugly warts forever. Further, divorces are uglier than the frog you kissed in the first place.
What we learned from fairy tales did a lousy job of preparing us to find true love. As young adults, most of us are sent out into the world with hearts full of dreams but no helpful tools to help make love last.
Here are five easy steps help you prepare to find the spouse of your dreams:
STEP 1: MAKE YOUR LOVE LIST
What do you love? Before you can figure out WHO you want to love, you need to identify WHAT you love.
Make a list of everything that you love. You can use the computer or just a blank piece of paper and a pen. If you’re creative, get out your colored pencils.
The beginning of my love list might include: blueberries, the color green, watching waves from the rock cliffs in La Jolla, cheering for (my husband) Seattle Seahawks when he played football, learning about God, waking up feeling rested, self-serve frozen yogurt stores, crisp fall days, gray sweatshirts, teaching, soft blankets, playing board games, discovering new places, being home, inspiring conversations, thinking through new ideas, spreadsheets, playing basketball, reading poetry, etc.
The goal of your love list is to help put you in a loving frame of mind. This is a fun activity whether you are single, dating, or married. Re-reading your love list will not only make you happier about living in a world with so many things that you love, but it will also allow you to reflect of who you are in relation to the rest of the world.
STEP 2: CREATE YOUR “GOTTA BE” and “NOT FOR ME” Lists
Before you go out into the dating world, it is important that you know what you’re looking for. This list will help you figure out WHO and HOW you want your future spouse to be...or at least what qualities you need for her to possess.
Title one side of a piece of paper, “GOTTA BE” and number 1-7. Title the other side, “NOT FOR ME” and number 1-7.
Next to each number, you are going to list what you most need (Gotta Be) and what you absolutely do not want (Not for Me). You must limit your “Gotta Be” and “Not for Me” lists to seven items each. Think through these carefully and be specific. For example, do not say that you want your partner to be athletic. “Athletic” is too broad and it leaves wiggle room for when you are later trying to convince yourself that the person you are dating is athletic because she likes to bowl occasionally. If you want a bowler, then say that you want a bowler. But if you’d like someone who runs marathons or someone who works out daily at the gym, then say that instead.
Here are some things for you to consider:
- What level of education is important to you, if any?
- Do you want your spouse to work outside of your home?
- What type of communicator style do you need? Do you prefer someone who is direct, or someone who is reserved with their feelings?
- How important is loyalty?
- Do you prefer for your partner to be spiritual or religious?
- Are looks important? What about style and appearance? If so, be specific about what your “Gotta Be” or “Not for Me” might include. For example, just because you prefer blondes, do not add it to your list if you’d still marry a brunette who had all of your other ‘Gotta Be’ traits.
- Political preferences
- Shared interests
- Parenting style – do you care if they have or want children? Is adoption in their plans?
- Introverted/extroverted
- Financial and career goals
- Sexuality
Here are a few items from my Gotta Be” list from before I met my husband:
- He must either write poetry or sing...and be willing to share his poetry or songs with me.
- He must be taller than I am and able to beat me at basketball
- He must be intelligent and able to teach me about things that I don’t know.
- He must be faithful under all circumstances and he must value fidelity.
- He must want children but not yet have any.
- He must adore me and make me feel like I am the only woman in his eyes.
- He must be able to provide financially for our family but also be okay with me working outside of the home.
There are a few things that I might change now that I lucked into with Craig. For example, at the time I didn’t realize how important it was for me to be with someone whose religious convictions were similar to mine. I would encourage you to make that a higher priority than I did.
When you’re done with that list, it’s time to create your “Not for Me” list. This list is very similar to your “Gotta Be” list, but in reverse. Here’s your opportunity to add a few more things to your list that you couldn’t fit on your must-haves. Again, you are limited to just seven items. You can do this one on the same page as your “Gotta Be” list if you’d like. I find it easier to have these two together because when you’re evaluating a future prospect, you’ll want to have both lists easy to find.
After creating these lists, it should be a bit easier for you to picture what your ideal spouse may be like. These lists are incredibly important because when you meet or start dating someone who has something that is on your Not for Me list or who is missing something on your Gotta Be list, you need to walk away immediately. You’re not going to keep dating someone in hopes that they will change. That is a recipe for many years of unhappiness. Just walk away. Do not stay out of the fear of being alone. It may not seem like it at first, but alone is a much happier place to be than stuck in a relationship with someone who has one of your fundamental red flags.
CAUTION: If you are married, do not complete these lists. There are more beneficial exercises for you that will help you focus on the positive qualities of your spouse. (link here to Story Your Way to a Happy Marriage).
CAUTION: If you are currently in a relationship but not married, please pretend like you are not in that relationship when you are creating this list. Sometimes people have a tendency to fib a bit or omit certain characteristics because that may eliminate the person who they are currently dating. Please take note of that as you complete these exercises.
STEP 3: SELF IMPROVEMENT
Now that you have a clearer vision of who you are looking for, take a moment to think about what type of person they might want. What do you think that they might find attractive? For example, if you are looking for someone who eats healthy and loves museums, then might they be attracted to someone who also eats healthy and enjoys learning at museums too? Or if you are looking for someone who is honest, then might they like someone who is truthful all the time?
Who do you see when you look in the mirror? Who do you want your future spouse to see when they look at you?
On a new piece of paper, make a list of the top three qualities that you think that your dream spouse might look for in their spouse.
Next, go over that list as you think about who you are and how you are currently living your life. What do you need to do to become the person whom your future spouse may love?
Choose at least one of the three areas to work on right away so that you can become the person whom you’d like for your future spouse to love.
STEP 4: ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER
Sticking to our plans is always easier if we have someone in our lives to help hold us accountable. After you’ve created these four lists, share a copy of them with a trusted friend, family member, or teammate. Ideally, this will be someone related to you or someone who you would otherwise never date. Explain to your friend the significance of each list and ask them to hold you accountable in sticking to the lists when you find someone new.
When you meet someone new, review your lists with your accountability partner. If the person you like has any of the items on your “Not for Me” list, you need to end the relationship immediately. Likewise, if they are missing any of the items on your “Gotta Be” list, you need to end the relationship immediately. If you are not willing to end the relationship despite the red flags, then you are venturing toward a lifetime of misery or worse.
STEP 5: BE THERE
The final step is simple. Put yourself in the types of places that your ideal spouse would be. For example, if you don’t want a future spouse who enjoys hanging out in bars or clubs, then bars and clubs are not where you should spend your time. If you want someone who loves reading books, join a book club. If you want someone who cooks well, take cooking classes. You get the idea. On your paper, add a list of two or three places where you think you might want to spend time with your future spouse. Then, spend time in those places.
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While life in the NFL can feel demanding, it can also be filled with love. Living happily ever after is not simple even with the most compatible partner, but it easier than trying to live happily ever after with a poorly matched partner. Use this playbook to find love that can last a lifetime.
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Dubbed “Dr. Love” for her work on marriage and relationships, Rachel Terrill is passionate about making marriages work. Rachel is the wife of Craig Terrill, who played for the Seattle Seahawks from 2004-2011. Rachel spent the last twelve years investigating the relationships and marriages of professional athletes. Rachel earned her Ph.D. in Communication from The University of South Florida. She teaches university courses on communication and public speaking and she serves as a family advisor for the NFL Players Health Study at Harvard University. Her work is featured in radio, television, online, and print publications. You can reach her through her website at www.rachelterrill.com