By Pamela D. Brown, Ph.D., C.S.P., L.P.C.
It’s hard enough to break up with someone when it’s only the two of you. But when you have children together, it’s even more difficult. Regardless of why you broke up, unless both partners wanted to split, someone was unhappy and probably felt hurt. And this kind of hurt doesn’t go away quickly. It leaves residual damage, bitterness even. You need to get along for the sake of your child or children, but how do you do this? As a parent, you want your child to grow into a well-adjusted adult. Ideally, you want your child to know he or she is loved by both parents. Unfortunately, separation and divorce can really impact your child’s adjustment in the near and distant future. And one of the best predictors of whether your child will emerge from your separation or divorce unscathed will depend upon how you and your ex get along. The more conflict between you, the greater the impact on your child. Although it may seem like the easier solution in some cases, you also don’t want to abandon your child. So whether you like your ex or not, she will always be your child’s other parent. Especially if both of you remain in your child’s life. For this reason, you need to put your child’s needs ahead of your own. If you have other children with whom you have a relationship, this is even more necessary. Siblings are always comparing their treatment and there’s never a good reason why your parent chooses to be with his other children, but not you. Lastly, interacting with someone you have history with, or disagree with in sometimes fundamental ways—about how you should raise your children—can be difficult. Here are some important considerations moving forward.
1- Think about your greater purpose: to have your child grow up well-adjusted. The physical and mental well-being of your child should inform all your decisions and communications with your former partner. It’s extremely stressful to your child when two people whose roles are so pivotal in her life, and that she cares about, do not get along. It’s worse if there’s open conflict. If it were just the two of you, it would be a different story and you could act and react to your partner anyway you would want to. If you want your child or children to be unscathed, then you need to act like you get along a little bit, even if you revile your ex.
2- Many disagreements arise from differences in perspective. And you may see things differently now, more than ever. You may not be together because you don’t see eye to eye. Don’t think now that you’re apart that your differences in perspective will necessarily improve. The incentive to compromise may be gone. You and your child’s other parent are like ants looking at the elephant. One of you is at the tail and the other is at the trunk. Although you’re both looking at an elephant, what you actually see is completely different. Stop trying to convince the other of what you see. You may have to agree to disagree. Let it go and be okay with your differences.
3- Don’t think you’re friends because of the love you once shared or because of all that you have been through together. That was in the past, especially if you were the one who initiated the break up.
4- Think a lot before you speak, and don’t, sometimes. As with any relationship, even a good one, think about the purpose of giving advice and unsolicited feedback. Many of us don’t like feedback, even from friends, even when it’s constructive. Some of us are sensitive, although we don’t look it or say it. Stop and question why you are trying to be so helpful. Is your ex going to think your feedback is helpful and is it going to further or detract from your relationship in the future? Remember your purpose should be with your child in mind first and you in mind second. If you decide to give this needed and helpful feedback, make certain that your ex is in a good space to hear what you have to say. Be prepared for your ex’s response. Your feedback may feel like criticism … because it is. In so many words, you are telling her what she did was inadequate, could have been improved upon and that may be the last thing she wants to hear, especially from you. You may need to respond to your ex’s response by saying nothing, keeping the situation from escalating and becoming worse.
5- Be careful how you talk about the other parent. You may believe your child’s other parent is no good, a dead beat, or inadequate in some important way. If your ex is as terrible as you believe (i.e., not dependable), your child will find out eventually. You don’t need to let her know now. Recognize that your child has two gene pools, so to speak. He probably doesn’t want to feel that either taints him in any way. Also, we want to feel good about ourselves. We want to believe that our parents will always think we are okay. If a child believes that s/he possesses some trait of the one parent that the other parent doesn’t like or loathes, the fear is that maybe down the road our parent won’t like us so much (because we will remind them of the other).
7- Be careful how you talk about your ex’s new interest. Your child will see through your negative comments about the new person. She will likely think less of you for this strategy, especially if she doesn’t have her own evidence by which she should devalue or judge the new interest. If the new person really has deficits, which it is likely he does, we all do, your son or daughter will eventually learn this. Remember, some lessons are best learned through experience. Also, by letting him learn this on her own you avoid making her feel guilty about liking someone you don’t necessarily like (and who presumably treats them with kindness at least and love at best). You don’t want to put your child in the position where they don’t see what you see and feel. Don’t put your child in the position of feeling that they have to defend the other person or feel guilty about liking someone who is good to them. Do you want your ex’s new interest to be unkind to your child? Do you want your son to have an adult in his life who doesn’t like him because your child is being unkind to them, even if it’s in your defense? The younger your child is, the more important it is to watch what you say about the other (e.g., significant other or step-parent). Your child will tell.
7- Your continued or maybe even increased involvement is important. Maybe when you and your ex were together, only one of you went to events for on behalf of you both. Now, you need to attend these events (e.g., parent-teacher conferences, performances, games) as a measure of your interest and involvement in your child’s life. Your children will look to see how things have or will change now that you are not all together as a family.
8- Talk to your child about the differences and similarities in parenting styles between you and your ex-partner. Parents rarely see eye to eye even in intact households, so talking through how one parenting style is different than another may help your child understand what is acceptable to, say, dad, but not mom. It is sometimes helpful to establish two tiers of expectations, the first tier being behaviors that you both agree upon and the second tier being things that you have slightly different opinions about.
9- Don’t cut out a source of support for your child because of your ill will towards your ex. Over the course of time and because of your history, you may be inclined to cut off your ex from your children or inadvertently put your children in the middle of your ex drama. Don’t. In life we inevitably encounter hardships of some sort, health, job, relationship, and the more support we have in our lives, the better. Having more people in your corner is a blessing and a gift. Children who have relationships with both parents adjust better to the split than those who don’t. Children whose parents help out with homework, listen to their child’s problems, and support them emotionally are more likely to succeed academically, have fewer behavior problems, and will be more emotionally secure.
10- Don’t make her the go-between for your communications with your ex, even if it is about your child. If you need to tell your ex something, tell her. Don’t ask your child to do it for you, even if it seems easier and more efficient.
11- And finally there is the universal truth: most things that happen to us are not that terrible, and our only option is to deal with the situation and not let any event or situation destroy us.
Obviously, breaking up can be difficult on children as well as adults. If you are worried about how to break up amicably and with the least amount of impact on your children, if your children are having a difficult time adjusting, or if you are worried about how to handle the physical separation, the divorce, and any associated changes, seek professional advice. You would do the same for many other questions that come up in your life, so why not with this most important one.